Man…..I need a Manfriend!

Not to date, NOT to potentially diss, but to befriend…

Consider my recent smackdown with my girlfriends this past week.  I lectured, “You know what, we need guy friends!  Enough of this dating crap, let’s just try and be friends first.”

They looked at me as if I said, “For lent, I‘m giving up moisturizer and lip gloss!”

Here’s the skinny…I’m sick of  “yaying” or “naying” someone after a one-hour date.  Sure, sometimes I immediately sense disaster – or – delight.   But 50% of the time I simply classify the date as a cross between “dull” and “not-so-dull….”  Then like clockwork, the cartoon cloud over my head pops up with that oh-so-familiar conversation.  “Do I like him?  Well, he was nice ENOUGH. Should I text him back?  He looked weird in that shirt.  Maybe he didn’t know he had food in his teeth?  I think he’s too old.  Maybe it was the lighting?”

I’ve decided DIFFICULT is the nice “alternative” 4 letter word for dating in your 30s.  We don’t live in the la-la land of single people anymore.   We’re the minority – at the office -at the gym – and definitely at church.  Gone are the days of living in a town called Singledom (filled with rampant 20 something yr-olds) where 100% of the population is…..SINGLE and available.  It used to be EASY to get to know guys through college courses, friends, groups, the bars – because you saw those peeps on a regular basis and grasped their personalities.  You also witnessed them at their worst – and best – and in the end, some grew on you – and some didn’t.  Nowadays – we’re just forced to sit and stare at someone for one hour – then judge.  And I hate that.

So hence my recent belated New Year’s resolution to make more “guy friends” in 2010.    Maybe we can be friends first, and something else later?  But not until much later.  (Like maybe when I know you’re not a psycho)  This brings up the old When Harry Met Sally question….”Can men and women be friends without the sex part getting in the way???”   Hmmm…  Personally, I think men and women CAN be friends — with both parties thinking about shacking up — but it never really happening.   For instance, late one night, I was sharing a cab ride home with one of my guyfriends after drinking a few tooooo many brewskies.  Out of nowhere my friend Sam deviously whispered, “Come on…come home with me.  No one ever has to know.”  (Yeah, no one except me!! I thought)  I quickly threw some money at the cab driver…and giggled myself to sleep that night…flattered, but happy I hopped out of the cab pronto.

On the flip side, often “manfriends” transform into great boyfriends.  The sparks fly because you’re already comfortable with that person.  You’ve already accepted their baggage, and they’ve hopefully forgotten yours.  But once you blur the line of intimacy…it’s hard to erase history.  The switcharoo usually ends fairly simple – in marriage – or heartbreak.  And things are just never the same.

Overall, guy friends remind me good guys STILL exist.  We need them – just like they need us.  I need a man to tell me I look smashing every now and then.  And they need us – to tell them what to buy at Banana Republic – and oh-my-goodness…get rid of that friggin’ unibrow!!

So yes, if I tell you, “Let’s just be friends…” I really mean it…especially in the next few months.  And I don’t mean the booty call kind.

Signed,

wingwoman searching for attractive wingman

Back to the Relationship Drawing Board Again…Where’s My Eraser?

Once again (ironically a week before Valentine’s Day), I find myself – back at the drawing board.

I recently ended something…with a certain someone.  He’s in transition – most likely moving – and we differ on religion.  The Titantic-Tanking Trifecta.  He never did anything wrong.  There’s just…not enough that’s right.  Tough call, but one I had to make.

You’ve been there…let me painfully yet humorously paint the picture.

After investing your lucrative time, wasting youth-filled energy, spending an enormous amount of money, dreaming about future children, cooking Martha Stewart homemade dinners, splurging on weekly manicures, introducing him to best friends, posing for multiple facebook photos, coming up with cheese-o-rama nicknames for each other….you decide to call your “new” relationship QUITS.

In the mere matter of a millisecond, you squander all those COVETED HOURS and literally flush them, shred them, garbage dispose them, then chunk them into oblivion.

Pause.

Then it’s time to RALLY with your “big-girl-but-still-sexy-panties-on” and start this “time sucking cycle” all over again – spending time with a NEW dude. But first, you must FIND that person.  Greeaaat….two uphill battles!  Add to that the “breakup battle” you already fought…now you’re up to THREE whopping uphill battles….all for the name of luv.

No wonder so many of us wave the white flag in defeat.

After riding a similar roller coaster that ended badly, my friend Miranda recently confessed to me in state of panic mixed with hope, “If I could just take Frank’s sweetness, Jon’s job, Brad’s body, and Todd’s sense of humor…I could create the perfect man.  He would be a masterpiece.”

Wait a minute ladies.  Uhhh…This ain’t paint-by numbers!  Men today are made of PERMANENT INK…permanent markers in fact.  Think SHARPIE!  At age 35, men are pretty much what-you-see-is-what-you-get.  Forget about “adding on” or “subtracting.”  Toss aside that “big-ass eraser” from 3rd grade, because you can’t delete his flaws…much less get rid of the deal breakers.  “White Out” won’t work either – because ultimately you can’t conceal the truth.  At this point, grab a highlighter and focus on the good stuff.  OR (do like I did)…move on and go back to the drawing board….knowing your Mr. Picasso is wandering around aimlessly waiting for his artiste to stumble upon him in a bar, on match.com, or in the grocery store (yeah right).

Which is exactly where we started this conversation….

Yes, I would love to “etch a sketch” my perfect man…shake it up….and add more tantalizing characteristics.  But let’s face it, this isn’t elementary school art class…this is LIFE…or rather what I make of it.

So, back to my easel one again.   Pictionary anyone?

courtesy of this talented cartoonist

Announcing my 1040 EZ Dating Questionnaire

In honor of tax season, I developed my own 1040 EZ Dating Questionnaire for all potential man-dates. I’ve decided this tax time – it’s time to cut to the chase with Denver men…Uncle Sams included.  I want to know up front – how many deductions I may face in the future.

My plan: to utilize the EZ form to weed out potential players, married dudes, and average losers…in the hopes of someday filing JOINTLY before I turn 40.  The 1040 Long Form is in the works, but for now I’m relying on this EZ method for some BIG returns.

So far my questions for prospects “out on the town” include:

1. Are you really single…or are you just playing THAT in your dream tonight?
2.  Is that your real hair?  Is that your real hair color?
3.  Do you have kids? If so…..do they behave?…….If not….do they live in another state?
4.  Is your mother by any chance………..a mute?
5.  Do the words “swiffer”…“dyson”…or “oxiclean” ring a bell? (R.I.P. Billy Mays)
6.  How long have you been OFF the Kevin Federline “Pizza, Pot, and Beer” diet?
7.  Can you please empty your pockets? And while you’re at it, show me your driver’s license, divorce decree, current proof of medical insurance, and Banana Republic credit card.
8.  Do you know how to boil an egg? What about water?
9.  Are you currently using an anti-wrinkle daily moisturizer with SPF 30? (cuz lets face it, you’re closer to 40 than I am.)
10.  You do know that unibrows will NEVER be in style, right?  RIGHT?

And for the bonus round…

*When is the last time you cleaned your bathtub? (Please provide date and approximate scrubbing duration time.)

*This post was absolutely NOT brought to you by TurboTax, H and R Block, or Just for Men.

Advice to ManLand: Dance More, Talk More, Text Less

After years of dating – and endless hours dishin’ with girlfriends – I’m entitled to write: 5 Rockin’ Rules…that prove…Chivalry will get you LUCKY!

As promised…Rules 2 through 5 for my ManLand friends…

5.  Dude, if you are lounging at a bar – with a dance floor in sight – get your butt to the dance floor with the same intensity AS IF you were evacuating an exploding plane.   There’s a steadfast decree about a dance floor:  Women quickly turn sour if they WANT to dance…and you DON’T.  If you’re gun-shy…fake it.   But know the caveats: You don’t need to dance to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It.”  We’re blissfully happy grinding with our girl posse in a gi-normous circle in that scenario.  BUT….please grab us immediately if you hear a slow ballad that takes you back to 9th grade, or anything we “made out to” in 12th grade.  Bonus points for “Purple Rain,” Patrick Swayze’s “She’s Like the Wind,” or “Every Rose has its Thorn.”  If you’re embarrassed dancing in front of your guy buddies, think of all the action you will get later that night…while they go home and watch 10 repeats of Sportscenter ALONE.   Continue to think about more kisses in the morning, perhaps a homemade breakfast…some fresh brewed coffee…mmm…while your dufus friends sleep in, overdose on tylenol, and stumble to 7-11.  Aaaahhhhh…the benefits of simply dancing versus standing in the corner.

4.  If your lady’s relatives pop into town, insist you meet and greet…then buy a drink for them.  You don’t have to play “tour guide,” but offer to meet them pre-dinner or post.  ASK QUESTIONS.   Act interested.  Even if you think they’re psycho.  Chances are – they are psycho…but so are your parents – so it’s an even game.  Just think…Your woman will smack good stuff about you in the ladies’ restroom (to mom or sis) within the first 10 minutes of your entrance…(That’s golden!)  If her relatives don’t drink…disregard this paragraph and make sure you hide your vodka in the freezer before they come over unexpectedly.  Since I’m catholic, I have no idea how to survive in a non-alcohol world.   I guess you could take them to Baskin Robbins or Braums…

A Place called ManLand

3.  TALK MORE….TEXT LESS.   How old r u? R u an adult or r u 16???  Pick up your phone and leave an “old-fashioned” voicemail.  Like way way waaaay back in the early 1990’s when you were forced to share the hallway phone with your sister. I know you have memories of stretching the coiled phone cord into your room, closing your bedroom door, and praying for privacy while wearing your parachute pants.  Think of it this way…When you were 18 or 21, you actually had the real b@!!$ to pick up that mustard-yellow rotary phone – give your index finger a work-out – and ask a girl out using actual nouns, verbs, and adjectives. Bottom line: Feel free to text us from time to time…but always….TALK FIRST…TEXT LATER.  Especially if you’re – A: Asking us out – or – B: Giving us the boot.

2. If you sleep with a woman – get mostly naked with her – or she somehow ends up in your/her bed – under the covers – on top of the covers – with the majority of her clothes off/on — CALL HER THE NEXT DAY.  I don’t care if you’re skydiving in the Grand Canyon – or attending Aunt Betty’s funeral in Indiana, get your butt to a cell phone tower while praying to the cellular gods for good reception….BUT ALWAYS CALL THE NEXT DAY.    Simply think of this as insurance for your next hot date with the gal.  In other words, this is prep-work for your upcoming nighttime soiree.  Women today will not put up with your bullcrap.  And in Denver, there’s always another dude around the corner.

1.  And to recap from a previous post:  Pay the check!  Dive for it like a seagull attacking leftover chips and queso on a mexican beach.  In today’s world, women are stuck with childbirth, PMS, and periods.  Be happy you’re only stuck with the check.

Top 10 WORST Emails from Guys on Match.com

Let’s face it – truth is always stranger than fiction.  So, I decided to compile a list of my favorite emails from Denver men on match.com.  These are ACTUAL quotes…served up straight.   And yes ladies, these men are walking the streets of the mile high city.  Try not to fight over them.

10.  Annie is my favorite play on Broadway.   (You already sound like a child molester.)

9.  (from an old 52 year old dude) Did you know that Frances Folsom Cleveland married President Grover Cleveland when she was 21 and he 49?  They had a beautiful White House wedding and it was the cheer of the nation back then.  (Good to know since I wasn’t paying attention in Mrs. Clark’s 8th grade U.S. History class.)

8.  So I’ll get right to it — want to grab a beer?  Nome of that “coors light” shit though, a real beer.  (What, like a PBR?  Or a Natural Light?)

7.  I have a picture of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on my wall by my work-desk. (Are you flippin’ kidding me???!!!) When I look at their picture, I wonder. When I think of them, I see the idea of “humanitarianism.”  We often think of actors as just actors or actresses … but really they are an expression of our best and worse selves. In Harrison Ford, I see the patriot; In Mel Gibson, I see the neurotic; In Nicole Kidman, I see the crusader, and in Demi Moore, I see the iconoclast. What about you? What do you see about the world in certain actor or actresses?  (Dude, in your profile pic…I see “America’s Most Wanted” meets “Jersey Shore.”)

6.  (from an asian man) I can tell that you’re the type to primarily date cauc-ASIANS b/c you fear that you wont find an Asian that’s taller than you? I have to admit, most are midgets. (Wow, if you were a white man, you would be called a racist! BTW..I’m turning you into the “Little People of America Association.’”)

5.  Hey sexy, how was your Monday? I have seen dozens and dozens of women on here and you are far and away one of the hottest ones. (My Monday was great until you emailed me.  Don’t ruin my Tuesday please.)

4. Wud up? (Your vocabulary skills clearly scream master’s degree.)

3.  That’s what I am like: a heart of compassion – wanting to heal the world and make it a better place. I don’t just want to live; I want to make a difference. All while having fun, smelling the roses … wanting it all… (Do you work for Hallmark?  If not I hear Dairy Queen is hiring.)

2.  I work for a small up-and-coming terrorist organization in the marketing department. We’re doing great in Wyoming, but we have big hopes and dreams and want to start making a splash on the international circuit. As you can imagine, image is everything with terrorists. So I was thinking about doing a marketing campaign on cable TV, like CNN or maybe the home shopping network, can you help me out? (No, but maybe Suzanne Somers can – or Chuck Norris?  Perhaps Sarah Palin when she’s done with her book tour?)

1.  My American Dream includes a real life size action and full-of-life Barbie… and you fit the description. (Sorry Ken, get lost.  I hear Skipper is single though.)

Feel free to share some of your best and worst…

Advice to ManLand: Chivalry Will Get You LUCKY

Dudes, listen up…not sure where you mind is at the present moment (besides counting down the days til March Madness)…but I need you to pay attention.  Five Rockin Rules…that prove…Chivalry will get you LUCKY (aka laid)…

1.  When the check comes — dive for it like a Mexican seagull attacking leftover tortilla chips and salsa on a Cancun beach.  Unlike your loaded “Monday Night Football w/ the boys” nachos…, there is NO five second rule!  Let there be NO moment of hesitation as soon as you even SEE the waiter coming toward the table with the check.  Your hand needs to flutter like “wind beneath my wings”. Bonus points for actually quoting something clever from that cheesy movie.

If you need a visual (which I’m sure you do since you’re a guy)….Imagine Mr. Miyagi in Karate Kid…wax on…wax off….  Grab the check before your date notices.  Make it seamless….like one of those iron-on patches your mom put on your jeans as a kid.  Your damsel will realize quickly you can do wonder with your hands.    Imagine your reflexes are one step ahead of your mind and more importantly — your common sense.  Even better…excuse yourself an go to the bathroom…then slip your credit card to the waiter.   Get used to the idea that it’s your job to primarily pay the dinner check — at least in the beginning.

If you’re already angry reading my words of wisdom – think about it this way….Women are stuck with childbirth, PMS, and painful periods!  Be happy you’re only stuck with the check.  Get over it.  Move on.  Yes, I know women want it all…equality and all that crap.  But just suck it up….because you’ll never have to birth a child or wear a maxipad.

Rules 2 through 5 coming soon…