Break-Up Etiquette 101

Wham, bam…see you later ma’am.  Ughhhhhh…the drama of a dreaded breakup.

We’ve all been there.   You’re either the “dumper” or the “dumpee.” Both happen to be two of the toughest spots in the history of mankind.   Your heart hurts, your shoulders shudder, and your eyes glaze over with tears…then rage.  How could this ever happen???

You may think this post is catty, but I’m here to spout out, “This is real!” After donning the hat of dumper AND dumpee for so many years…it’s time for a post about “Break-up Etiquette.”  You can agree, or disagree…but bottom line…my girlfriends and guyfriends chimed in on this universal topic.  After all, who hasn’t been dumped??  As depressing as this sounds, it’s a universal theme for all to miserably share!

The Top 5 Break-Up Rules

1.  NEVER EVER use the line, “It’s not you, it’s me.”  Ugh…newsflash:  Yes, it is ME…or you wouldn’t be breaking up with me!  (After all, no one breaks up with himself!)  Quit trying to be all “self-righteous.”  I get it…you’re not “into me anymore.”  So own up to it, tell us the truth…then move on quickly…to hopefully a psycho and unstable chick without a job.  Then see how you feel four months down the road.

2.  Yes, it’s really OK (and highly appropriate) to kick the ex off Facebook.  Better yet, have a delightful time doing it.  Perform a countdown and then click on the infamous X icon.   Follow it up with a cold beer and you’re golden.  After all, do you really need to see pictures of your ex drooling over his weird, new girlfriend?  Not unless you’re a masochist.  And even if she IS ugly and wearing clothes 10 times too tight — and sporting 10 times too much makeup…and dripping with 10 times too much bad silver jewelry…you don’t need to waste 10 seconds of your life gloating over it.  Save the gluttonous glee and go do something productive in your life.  Like calling up all your girlfriends and telling them about it.

3.  Don’t drop off the face of someone’s planet if you are “in a relationship.”  If you want to call it off, look at that person face to face.  Have the respect for each other to honestly talk and express feelings.  Don’t avoid phone calls all together!  Give each other an equal say.  And if you’ve only been out on a few dates, AT LEAST text the person the “old fashioned way” and explain you’re done.  Give someone the courtesy of knowing you’ve moved on…even if you’ve moved on to NO ONE…or some random person the night before.  Remember, karma’s a bitch…and you don’t want that riding your tail the rest of your dating career.

4.  Don’t steal your ex’s friends…or as one of my bffs says, “Go get your own damn friends!”  People become extremely territorial in this situation.  Envision a pack of wolves.  Sure, if you have made friends with some of your ex-girlfriend’s friends, you can still hang out with them.  But in doses!  Not all the time!  That’s rude to the gal who first had that group of friends.  Yes, you can share.  But BOTH people have to share, not just one.  If you are the “ex,” have the courtesy to give the other person her space first and foremost.  She was there first…NOT you.  So quit trying to take ownership of the situation and mark the territory that was never really yours in the first place.

5.  And finally…after breaking up with someone, don’t call or text asking to get some “late night booty.”  You’re just leading that person on and messing with their emotions.  While men look at it purely a “hook-up,” women tend to look at it as MUCH, MUCH more.  So don’t play with someone’s mind.  Leave the late night booty texts to people who mean NOTHING to you…people you never plan on taking out to dinner.  If you “booty text” a former girlfriend, she will just assume you want to get back together.  And if you genuinely want to get back together, call her in the morning when you’re sober and coherent.

Bottom line, I think it all boils down to character.  Do you have the character to honestly call it off with someone?  Or are you a coward and choose to take the easy way out…vanishing into thin air…leaving your AWOL calling card on the doorstep?

Thoughts?

Rekindling with Old “Non-Flames”

Everything comes full circle, right? Even in dating.  Guys you thought were “Bye-Bye” are suddenly saying “Hi Hi”… a year later.  In droves!!

Here’s the scenario… You meet someone date-worthy…make a connection…hit the town a few times…and he suddenly drops off the planet.  No hurt feelings, because the sparks never ignited.  Regardless, 12 months later, you find yourself answering an “unfamiliar number” only to hear a “somewhat familiar” voice on the other end. Yep, it’s one of “last year’s guys” trying to hop back onboard the spaceship and orbit in your galaxy.  Or perhaps you run into an old “non-flame” innocently one night, and then realize, “Wow, maybe he is a cutie.”

There’s nothing WRONG with this… In fact, kudos to sincere guys who try to reconnect after a lengthy hiatus.   Because, after all – timing is everything!

I found myself falling “lucky victim” to this scenario recently…

First:  I ran into “Dakota Dude” in downtown Denver.  Not sure why, but we just never clicked last year when we went out on the “traditional match date” consisting of two drinks, one appetizer, and 1.5 hours of staring at each other.  (Come on, you’ve been there.)  It WAS fun to see him after all those months…so good that he snuck in a late night kiss after one too-many-beers at the bar. Thankfully, I’ve kissed enough of my guy friends to know smooches can be strictly innocent in mucho beer-drinking situations.

Second:  Scooter Guy surprised me one Sunday morning calling me at 10 AM sharp.  I let the unfamiliar number go to voicemail, praying it wasn’t an emergency work call or the local firefighter’s union asking for cash.  Turns out Scooter Guy had just broken up with his girlfriend of eight months and wanted to reconnect as friends, asking for a “non-date-date”…whatever the heck that is.  Actually, I’m quite open to this, considering my sweet southern side loves making more friends.  Plus, later, when we actually did meet up for the infamous non-date-date, I hopped aboard the scooter, hung on tightly, and enjoyed the breeze – feeling “oh-so-super” urban and chic as I cruised through Denver’s Platte Park neighborhood.

Third:  Early one morning, the “Aussie Therapist” shot me a nice email asking for a second chance.  He even told me, “I don’t know why we never went on a second date, but now I’m regretting it.”  I had to crank back the old memory log from a year ago and remember our brief time together…but it went something like this… We wined and dined…laughed all night…he walked me to my car…texted a bit afterward…then he disappeared after the first snowfall.  I wasn’t really upset by his departure, as I had a few other guys in the batting cage ready to make their move.  But I always wondered…”What if?”  Now I’m wondering if the accent will still make him irresistible?

So why all these old “non-flames?”  It’s actually fairly simple.

Think about it…dating forces you to be a player…you can’t deny it.  Here’s why… In a typical dating season, you’re juggling roughly three people at once. You really like Guy #1….but you must experience three awesome dates before it gets serious. So even when you’re at the “second date” benchmark with Guy #1…you gotta go on a first date with Guy #2 just to keep the train rolling and your options open.  (Because at any given moment, Guy #1 could drop the ball and leave your galaxy entirely.)  Meanwhile Guy #3 enters the scene.  Yes, he may be a GREAT guy, but if you make it all the way to date #3 with Guy #1…guys 2 and 3 are usually left in the dust.  (Are you still with me?…or are you lost?)

Of course with this post, I’m not advocating you take back the asshole who cheated on you with the 21 year old hairdresser…

Or the real estate investor in Vail who dumped you for his ex-girlfriend…

Or the short Boulder guy who stood you up for the Red Rocks concert…

But maybe, you should give certain “non-flames” a “second chance.”  You never know…you might make it to the third date with one of those lucky fellas.

He’s Cute, But Not TOO Cute

Imagine my excitement when I strolled into my much anticipated ”latest” and sometimes “not-so-greatest” eHarmony date…saw my date “in the flesh” for the first time…and gleefully exclaimed to myself, “Yeah!…he’s cute, but not TOO cute.”

Let me set the scene:  Running a fashionable seven minutes late (standard for Leaza)…dressed in my fave jeans…I waltzed into a Cherry Creek bar having NO expectations.  (That’s a hard and fast rule in online dating..have NO expectations.  That way if the guy is a dud…you can avoid devastation in advance.)

Anywho…..As I sauntered into the english pub and spotted “the guy” sitting at the bar, I delightfully discovered that while he was indeed “attractive,” Matthew McConaughey – he wasn’t.  And THIS just made him more appealing.  He was “cute,” but not TOO cute.  In fact, while I thought he was cute, some of my friends would probably turn their cheeks.  And I was OK with that.

I’ve learned the hard way that, yes, even in your mid-30s, hot players still exist.  And embarrassingly enough, I’ve shed a few tears over certain assholes…in private and in public.  You would think men would eventually outgrow the “playa syndrome,” but poll my single girlfriends and they’ll proclaim in unison the epidemic still lives.  Typically the men carrying the strongest strain of this virus – are the ones EASY on the eyes…and HARD on the heart.  They LURE you in with their handsome looks, and somehow you think, “Maybe he’s different?”  But….he’s not.  The lesson doesn’t seem to stick.

Sure, sure sure….appearance counts in the dating world.  I mean who doesn’t want a hot guy to drool over?  (Especially one who still takes center stage wearing a ratty shirt with a 5 o’clock shadow…)  But my strategy is changing.  Today, I’m focusing on overall health and physique.  I call it the “gut check.”  Is this guy going to have a large gut when he’s 40, 50, or 60?  If the answer is yes, yes, and yes…usually my response to “wanna go out again?”…is No, NO, and NEVER.  Not that I’m really opposed to certain guts….instead I’m more opposed to the “end result” of big guts:  heart attacks, couch potatoes, an endless supply of Cheetos, and acquiring a large gut myself (since I’ll clearly be living an unhealthy lifestyle if I end up with this “type.”)

Also, in Denver…dudes have NO reason NOT to be in shape.  You can ski, hike, or cycle almost any day of the year.  If I’m out busting my ass to look good, why can’t these single guys bust theirs?  Of course I’m not expecting my “Mr. Right” to mimic Lance Armstrong or David Beckham…but please don’t turn into Archie Bunker.

So in simple terms…I’m an “anti-gut” kind of girl.  I don’t “do guts.”  That’s my dating deal breaker for 2010.

By the way, I’m “cute”…but definitely not too cute………..this guy however, NOT SO CUTE!!

NO GUTS ALLOWED!!!!!

Profile Pic Pitfalls…What NEVER to Post Online!

Often times, we only have one shot to make a good impression. Whether it’s in person – OR in the virtual world of online dating.  It’s human nature to quickly judge based on appearance.  We can’t fight it…nor can we hide it.

And truth be told, I am BEFUDDLED after perusing the pictures some Denver men choose for their online dating profiles.  It’s as if their buddies secretly logged in to their eharmony and match.com accounts and played a cruel joke…posting a plethora of the WORST, most dorky, unflattering mug shots…borderline…blackmail material.

Some of my favorite RECENT “jaw-on-floor” findings include:

10.  guy riding a donkey wearing a white “wife beater” circa 1992 (I felt sorry for the donkey and almost called PETA.)

9.  smiling dude sitting in monster truck with gun rack mounted right behind his head (I bet you voted for Obama, right?)

8.  anything that looks like it came from “Glamour Shots” in the mall! (Does that place even exist anymore?)

7.  guy surrounded by his nieces and nephews to illustrate he “likes kids” (No, really you just look creepy.)

6.  man dancing at a wedding with his poor date’s eyes “blacked out” (As if that conceals your ex-girlfriend’s or ex-wife’s identity)

5.  guy wearing an earring of any sort!  (Soooo Kirk Cameron and “Charles in Charge!”)

4.  shirtless man covered in face and body paint standing outside Invesco Field displaying Bronco pride (You need to head to the gym after the game.  And that wig isn’t helping either.)

3.  dude dressed up as woman for “Halloween” (Which team are you batting on here?)

2.  guy wearing spandex (ONLY acceptable if you’re on a bike!)

And the BEST/WORST of all:

1.  man dressed in camouflage proudly holding up the deer he just shot and killed with his buddies (This isn’t the NRA website mister.)

It’s scary to think these photos represent the “best” these men have to offer.  If these are the “good pictures,” what about the “bad ones?”

Yep, the old saying goes, “a picture is worth a thousand words.”  In this case, though, I’m downright speechless.  Mum’s the word.

It’s a Small Match.com World After All

Watch out where you meet your Match.com dates in Denver! Recently, I found myself in quite a pickle at the Wash Park Tavern. Thursday nights, this place is crawling with match.com-ers. Heck, next time this girl’s gonna demand an online daters’ drink special…
***********************************
Girl rushes into a crowded bar…running seven minutes late. Looks for 6’5” match.com “never-met-this-dude” date of the night.

Randomly spots attractive guy who looks vaguely familiar sitting at bar, alone, as if expecting someone. He makes eye contact, smiles, stands, and starts strutting toward her.

Girl suffers mini heart attack as she racks her blonde brain – questioning WHO she is supposed to meet this current evening. Guy A, Guy B…or Z?? Her high-heeled feet freeze.

In about a millisecond, she recognizes “random man approaching her” based on a computer screen photo. She struggles…

Starts hyperventilating as she realizes she has communicated with this guy virtually, but never in person, nor over the phone. Scans around..searching for her “real date of the night” because this guy is clearly SOMEONE ELSE’S first date of the night. Takes a deep breath.

Guy walks up and suavely says….”Hi Christy!” Girl smiles, in shock, then replies…”Noooooooo, I’m Leaza.” Dude’s face flip-flops, sensing his faux-pas. She then gives him a cat-like “knowing” look and murmurs, “But you DO know me.”

Guy quickly realizes this “damsel in distress” is one of his OTHER online blondies from his giant match.com virtual dating posse. But NOT his soiree for tonight. He flashes back to her profile pics, as they stare into each other’s eyes, knowing this could turn awkward QUICKLY for all four parties involved.

The duo does not speak, but somehow telepathically communicates the plan: Exit the scene graceful before anyone gets hurt – or humiliation takes over. More importantly – BEFORE THE “REAL DATES” CATCH ON.

Girl turns 90 degrees and spots her 6’5” “present date” approaching…looks back at “future date”…then laughs as if catching up with an old friend, “It was great seeing you. Let’s talk soon.”

Guy smiles and says, “Definitely. How about next week?” Girl spins on her heel, relishing in their Academy Award winning performances. She slyly greets 6’5’ Guy, but can’t keep her mind off Future Guy.  She knows he will email her later that night.

Seven minutes later a gal named Christy rushes in…

TO BE CONTINUED….

On Match.com...it's a SMALL world!!! (especially at the bars)

Top 10 WORST Emails from Guys on Match.com

Let’s face it – truth is always stranger than fiction.  So, I decided to compile a list of my favorite emails from Denver men on match.com.  These are ACTUAL quotes…served up straight.   And yes ladies, these men are walking the streets of the mile high city.  Try not to fight over them.

10.  Annie is my favorite play on Broadway.   (You already sound like a child molester.)

9.  (from an old 52 year old dude) Did you know that Frances Folsom Cleveland married President Grover Cleveland when she was 21 and he 49?  They had a beautiful White House wedding and it was the cheer of the nation back then.  (Good to know since I wasn’t paying attention in Mrs. Clark’s 8th grade U.S. History class.)

8.  So I’ll get right to it — want to grab a beer?  Nome of that “coors light” shit though, a real beer.  (What, like a PBR?  Or a Natural Light?)

7.  I have a picture of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on my wall by my work-desk. (Are you flippin’ kidding me???!!!) When I look at their picture, I wonder. When I think of them, I see the idea of “humanitarianism.”  We often think of actors as just actors or actresses … but really they are an expression of our best and worse selves. In Harrison Ford, I see the patriot; In Mel Gibson, I see the neurotic; In Nicole Kidman, I see the crusader, and in Demi Moore, I see the iconoclast. What about you? What do you see about the world in certain actor or actresses?  (Dude, in your profile pic…I see “America’s Most Wanted” meets “Jersey Shore.”)

6.  (from an asian man) I can tell that you’re the type to primarily date cauc-ASIANS b/c you fear that you wont find an Asian that’s taller than you? I have to admit, most are midgets. (Wow, if you were a white man, you would be called a racist! BTW..I’m turning you into the “Little People of America Association.’”)

5.  Hey sexy, how was your Monday? I have seen dozens and dozens of women on here and you are far and away one of the hottest ones. (My Monday was great until you emailed me.  Don’t ruin my Tuesday please.)

4. Wud up? (Your vocabulary skills clearly scream master’s degree.)

3.  That’s what I am like: a heart of compassion – wanting to heal the world and make it a better place. I don’t just want to live; I want to make a difference. All while having fun, smelling the roses … wanting it all… (Do you work for Hallmark?  If not I hear Dairy Queen is hiring.)

2.  I work for a small up-and-coming terrorist organization in the marketing department. We’re doing great in Wyoming, but we have big hopes and dreams and want to start making a splash on the international circuit. As you can imagine, image is everything with terrorists. So I was thinking about doing a marketing campaign on cable TV, like CNN or maybe the home shopping network, can you help me out? (No, but maybe Suzanne Somers can – or Chuck Norris?  Perhaps Sarah Palin when she’s done with her book tour?)

1.  My American Dream includes a real life size action and full-of-life Barbie… and you fit the description. (Sorry Ken, get lost.  I hear Skipper is single though.)

Feel free to share some of your best and worst…

Writing my Match.com Dissertation

Following “Big Decision for the New Gal in Town….”    I attacked my match.com profile with the exuberation of a teenage girl shopping for her first prom dress combined with the writing expertise of an Oxford english PhD student composing a dissertation.  This profile HAD to transcend “good”….In southern terms, my mission was to “git ‘er done.” My pale tulle pink manicured fingers started moving at warp speed as I chugged a vodka/cranberry (with extra lime) and set out on my match.com man-finding mission.  The words transcended out of my blonde brain into seamless comedic prose on a computer screen.  Glancing at my pictures, I made sure to include a wide assortment…close-ups, body shots, me chillin’ on beach chair (bloody mary in hand), moi hiking a 14-er (a must for Denver, Colorado men).  After all – I was well-rounded woman, and wanted to secure it was obvious I could tackle outdoor activities in a single bound.  I even threw in a photo of my lovely pooch…to prove I could live in peaceful harmony with dog hair…

I typed with a vengeance….the desk light glowing in my corner living room office.  If only the neighbors in ritzy Cherry Creek knew little ole’ Leaza was on the brink of something big…something that could change her life — and hopefully someone else’s…completely.  If anything, this would at least provide hours of free entertainment giggling with girlfriends.  My mouth salivated at the thought of laughing hysterically, comparing horror online dating stories and trying overzealously to outdo each other.  Pathetic, yes.

An hour into my pulitzer prize winning challenge, I stared at the giant icon labeled “Profile Complete.”  This was THE moment.  The moment where my words…and my pictures….transmitted themselves to possibly hundreds of available men in the Denver/Boulder area.  I imagined myself…Leaza…as a mass blonde mailing…except instead of ending up in an outdoor mailbox, I would land in someone’s virtual one.  I felt as if I was taking a leap of faith….  I giddily scanned my profile for any last minute changes…exhaled, “What the hell?” — then cautiously moved my mouse over “Profile Complete.”  Folks…it was time to start this mission.  I prepared for the adventure…and clicked…sending my profile to the gods at match.com.  I prayed for Zeus to intercede, quickly wondering if I would land in heaven, hell, or god-forbid, gulp, limbo.

Big Decision for the New Gal in Town…

Being the brand spankin’ new kid in D-town (Denver), I’d thought I’d give online dating a shot.  So, on a whim, armed with my credit card digits – a plethora of recent party-girl pics – and multiple images of me conquering the great outdoors, I logged on to several of (what I call) the “me-bay” sites.  I felt perfectly fine to take ownership of my singledom and market myself to the millions of morons, mullets, macho-men, and Mr. Rights living in the Denver demographics in hopes of finding one decent dude or hot “dudley do-right.”   After all, I’m a hot commodity, so why not market to the masses and put U.S. capitalism to work, right?  I remembered the good ole’ lesson of supply and demand from 8th grade economics.  Limited supply of awesome, available women (i.e. ME) equates to high demand from rich, hot, down-to-earth bachelors (i.e. THEM).  Throw in a ski condo, some fine wine, a labrador mutt who adores hiking…and the deal becomes even better, sweeter, and BEYOND palatable…

Which online dating site would I choose?  Hmmmm..did I prefer the open “card catalog” approach of match.com…or the “secret ballot” style of e-harmony?  For one brief moment I was sold on eHolyHell.com (a.k.a. eharmony), but ultimately decided those commercials were too darn cheesy for moi to appear during future primetime TV lineups (if AND when I did meet Mr. Hot-Dudley-do-right).   Besides, I always wondered….where were the commercials portraying the “not-so-cute” people?  Those couples seemed to be missing from the airwaves, as if some rich white old/fat/bald guy in an eharmony sterile board room ironically instilled a “no fat/boring/ugly person rule.”   Being a dewey decimal girl at heart (and secretly thinking the card catalog approach would work in my favor), I flippantly decided on the match.com 90-day subscription, figuring that would equal more than enough minutes for all the fab singular D-town dudes to fawn at me virtually, in hopes of rubbing knees with me physically.  I was salivating at the anticipation of my first wink, that first email…before I even clicked on the “new user” icon.  This my friends….was gonna be fun.